I finished reading The Moon and Sixpence 10 days ago. It changed me, for the worse by moral standards, and better by business standards.

Here is a summary of the story:

A successful middle-aged man from London named Strickland one day decides to abandon his family and children to pursue painting in Paris. He cares only for painting.

He becomes sociopathic. He disregards human decency, rights, responsibility, and moral codes. He is completely indifferent to everyone and everything.

When he was suffering from a life-ending fever, a friend (though he does not consider anyone to be a friend) took him in to save his life. Strickland proceeded to sleep with his wife and wreck his family. He later abandoned the woman, which drove her to suicide. You can’t even call him cold-blooded, because he doesn’t even understand why he should care at all.

Everyone and everything is disposable in his pursuit of art, even himself. In the end, he dies after he completed a masterpiece, which was destroyed by an order issued by himself before passing.

He burned everything down and lived like a wretched dog for years, just to paint. He doesn’t care for an audience; he doesn’t sell the paintings. He doesn’t even show them to others! He cared for painting, the act of creation.

I am inspired by Strickland.

Strickland is a fucking dickhead. He is the biggest cunt that ever walked this earth. He will destroy your life if you get close to him. He is a piece of radioactive waste that pollutes everywhere he walks.

But I am inspired nevertheless. His unquenchable desire to create. His complete devotion to painting. His willingness to suffer through the worst of the worst just to pursue that singular northern star in his life. It is shocking to observe. His love for creation burns like the sun, ever-present and never to be denied.

I want that. I need that.

My Weakness

I am too agreeable. I allow too many unacceptable actions to exist in my life. This is a good strategy in a friendly low stake environment, but a terrible way to live for an entrepreneur.

Stupid decisions that crush our business. Partial cooperation that slows our growth. Mismanagement of funds that almost bankrupt us. I have so far looked the other way in favor of friendships of many decades. This must not continue.

Yet I lacked the motivation, nay, the courage, to state these facts to the responsible parties to do the necessary things. So I suffer. The company suffers.

A Shift

I didn’t feel a dramatic impact after reading the book. But as the days went on, I felt a change, a paradigm shift in the way I engage with the attitudes of my life. Especially on the business side.

I have become much more focused on the act of creation, the livelihood of the company. And my fear of dissonance is dissipating.

It… feels weird. Because this was not intentional. It is a subtle yet powerful change. Each morning I wake up, I feel more obsessed and less agreeable. I start to feel anxiety, anger, hatred (mostly toward myself), hope, and much more. It feels like my stake in the game became grander.

I am about to have one of the toughest meetings of my life. Perhaps it would ruin my lifelong friendship with my partner. The past me would be panicking, but no more. I am excited. I can’t wait to create, to burn, and to be obsessed.