Two people in my family have passed away in the past two years. My grandfather, who was close to me, and my uncle who had just grown close to me before his own tragic passing, were both victims of cancer.
I watched them wither away as their bodies decayed from the inside. I watched them transform from strong, healthy adults into skeletons propped up by hard drugs whose lists of side effects alone rivaled the length of a Shakespearean play.
This might be heartless to say, but the truth is that I felt very little emotionally. I would love to say that it is because I had come to a rational conclusion through the acceptance of our mortality, to put a glamorous spin on the lack of reaction on my part. Yet, that would be a lie. I do not feel anything, for I simply feel nothing. It is less akin to a void that devours than a blank and uniform dome that covers my entire existence.
I am disturbed, not because of their tragedy, but the fact I felt so little sadness. This sensation of disgust is getting worse as I am writing this essay, as I seem to be more concerned with the fact that I do not feel anything, than with the actual passing of the two close family members. Understandably, this does not seem to be a shared experience among my family and friends, as they sent many heartfelt messages to me to comfort me, without realizing they were talking to a blank wall.
I often recall my grandfather’s day of burial. I remember people filtering through the narrow doorway of that old apartment to see the ashes box one last time. Some were crying, some were screaming, some were muttering in the corners of the room. I, the oldest grandson, stood in the middle of the room to greet all the guests we received. Instead of sadness, I felt a great sense of confusion.
“Who are these people? And why are they crying? And most importantly, when can they shut the fuck up?”
In the past 20 years that I have clear memories of, these people never called nor visited. I didn’t understand why they would show up just to put on a performance like that, which is not to say that they weren’t allowed, but it was completely unnecessary. The mourning and howling were quite exhausting, really. I certainly wouldn’t bother. Perhaps they were not mourning my grandfather, but the fact that they themselves were inching closer to death. That, I could wholeheartedly agree with.
I remember that I was thinking about the beginning of “The Stranger” by Camus – “Mother died today. Or, maybe, yesterday; I can’t be sure.” I thought it was rather ridiculous the first time I read it, but truth be told, I don’t remember the date of my grandfather’s passing. I now feel so akin to Meursault that it sends chills down my spine. I do not wish to be as disconnected as he is, yet it seems to be outside of my control. I find these ceremonies to be most annoying. I fail to see the point in these elaborate procedures, but hey, what do I know?
I think that we go through these rituals not to satisfy the dead, but to please the living. The passing of my grandfather was an alarm clock going off for all who knew him. It reminded us, especially the elderly, that the great equalizer is coming, and it is near. As for the younger generations, it was equally terrifying because there was one less “obstacle” between us and death. Once death’s chariot rolls over the elderly, we will be next in line.
Perhaps this is why I felt so very little, for I have long accepted my own death, not through rationalities as I had written above, but through multiple near-death encounters. I do not value the lives others, much like I do not value my own life. How would anyone feel grief if they don’t even care about death itself? These elaborate ceremonies, outbursts of emotions, and pointless expenses, all pointless, for they do not bring comforts to me, only annoyance. However, The question that remains unresolved for me is this: why do I not care for the loss of personal connections and future interactions with the deceased family members? Why am I okay with losing someone who could interact with me in meaningful ways in the future?
I do not know.
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